I USED TO THINK I COULD SAVE BOYS

Feeling: Hungry and Lazy. 

Time: 11:50 am

Cloud painting and abstract art by Corannie Melanie

I always say that 200 level in uni was very challenging for me. I craved love (not necessarily romantic inclined) and friendship. Genuine friendship. I didn't have those, I felt so alone, and it led me to a downward spiral. I had my worst grades that year. I had my first and last carryover. 

In a bid to find love and friendship. I forged friendships with people I wouldn't ordinarily have been friends with. Mostly boys. I am a love being, you see, so all the love I wanted to receive, I gave. I gave too much of myself (only because they weren't necessarily deserving of my love and attention). 

One of the friends I made was super weird in every sense of the word. I don't want to give too much away, but he was weird. I thought I could help him out of his weirdness, I befriended him. He felt very unloved, I showed him love (it was a very platonic relationship we had),  but I was always there for him, hoping beyond hope, that my friendship would change him.  Whenever he felt depressed, which was very often, he'd call and I'd be there. 

Eventually, after many months  I felt very exasperated, I needed to be loved too. Remember that was what started this whole friendship thing. 

I moved on to someone else. It was a typical good girl and bad boy situation. *just ate* 

I really thought I could change him!  I helped him with his work (I was a struggling student myself), gave him my notes to copy from and stuff lol.  I had my first kiss, it wasn't as exasperating as the first one. I was experiencing new things. I used to help picture his future, I just wanted him to be a good boy! I thought I could do it. 

I think the thing with me was that I just wanted to leave a mark. I wanted to be remembered for something positive so badly in their lives, so that they could look back and see that there was this little innocent girl they were once friends with, and she changed their lives. Talk about exaggerating your place in people's lives. 

Once again, I couldn't keep up. I felt drained, and unloved.  Things ended and I had my first boyfriend. 

Two years later, in my final year, I think I got a call from the first guy. Either that, or I was just outside my hostel when I saw him.  We talked a bit, and he apologized for being crazy, he apologized for taking me through so much trouble, he apologized for burdening me. He told me he found Jesus!  He told me he was saved!  I was beside myself with happiness. I was thankful. 

That same year, the 'bad boy' did something very preposterous, he was on the news. It saddened me, but both boys were a testimony to one thing: Only Jesus saves, and I am not him. 

Sometimes, I wish I hadn't settled, I wish I had waited for what I have now, but I understand. I understand how lonely I felt. Sometimes I wish I had met the love of my life earlier. Other times, I'm thankful, because that season has placed a burden on my heart, and I intend to love every teenager fiercely, (even my youngest siblings) I intend to be there for them, I understand what loneliness can push a young girl to do, and I would not want a young girl thinking she can save a boy, because she can't .

Much love, 

Fifi.