On dark tunnels and periods of uncertainty...

Feeling: Better than I was last week.
Time: 6:47am.

I'm not sure if you remember quite well, but, sometime last week I said I was feeling bland, and I said I'd try to explain it.

You see, as time went on I discovered 'bland' was a very not-so-perfect way to describe how I felt. I was super unhappy, I couldn't just put a pin to the feeling at the time.

Oh, not to worry,  I'm super... okay maybe not super fine, but I'm fine. Maybe I'm super fine.

So, like I said last week was not the best. I cried a lot. It's one of the ways I know how to get pressure off me. I'd burst if I don't cry. (You'll rather see me cry than burst hmn?)

One of the saddest things in life is knowing your purpose in life and not knowing how to get about it. How to kick-start it. How to give it a little nudge.
I'm kinda at that stage.

I have never liked the idea of a graduate sitting at home and doing nothing. It irks me. Annoys me. Pisses me off. It's just so ironic that I'm one of them now. Well... I won't say I'm doing  nothing,  but when you're not doing what you really want to do, that's nothing yeah?  Well, to me, that's Kinna nothing.  Anyways, so you can imagine how furious I was at myself.

I was a grumpy old woman last week. Oh, I've been looking for jobs, applying for different positions, waiting to see which would 'click', none has so far.  Oh I applied for even the 'belittling' jobs. Well, in the eyes of some people, but the truth is I don't really care. Few times, at the back of my mind, I wonder if the third class is affecting me getting a call back.  I've decided to not think about it.

I'm not sure if I have said this here, but I can make clothes. I can try to make money from it, but there are a few 'hinderances' in my eyes. God may not see them as such.

1.  I'm in a whole new country (which makes the whole job searching experience not the best) who do I know?

2.  I'm not crazy about it. It's not a passion. I can do it pretty good, if anything I'm getting better at it, but right now...  Funny thing's later in life it may be something I'd have grown into, but as at this present moment, I'm just riding along. And I stand for doing the things you love, because, when it gets difficult at some point, your passion pushes you. The burning desire to make it happen pushes you.

I have amazing people around me; really good people, that's a beautiful consolation. Not like I was complaining as such, okay, maybe I was, in all honesty, I was just tired.

Like I said earlier, I'm better now, I'm embracing the clothes making skill (I've even made clothes for two people), enjoying my writing.

Even if at the end of the day, I never get a white collar job, I won't be too mad at myself. I hate nine to fives anyway. I have actually never pictured myself doing one. I know a lot of people say this, but ever since I could imagine me being a worker, going to an office was never a picture that came up in my mind.  If it does happen though, that I get a white collar job, I won't be mad either, I know it's only for while lol.

I might as well just use this opportunity to build up myself, and slightly kick start my purpose. It doesn't necessarily have to start right now, but I should at least 'warm' the car, get it ready for the journey that's ahead, cos the future is now.

If you're in the position I was before, I encourage you to cry, be mad, don't be too mad, we don't want you doing worrying things, but after all that, take a long deep thought about all these things, about what you genuinely want to  do with your life, think about your journey, your purpose, take a long deep breath, talk to God too yunno, seek for direction, talk to people you know would give you sound counsel. Don't be comfortable doing nothing.

There's always a period of uncertainty before things finally start 'falling in place' ; there's  always that blurry period. Yunno how they say there's always light at the end of the tunnel.  I believe it. I'm still in that tunnel, but I'm really close to the end, and I can see the light. I can see the light! It's enough to keep me going.

Oh! BTW,  I'm going to continue blogging on the The Unique Woman . Could be this week or the next. Talk to you in my next post . Oh my!  It's Wednesday!  Happy hump day. Have fun. Bye.


Much love,
Fifi.